A Mindful Approach to Spending Holidays with Family (PART 3)
The difference between ordinary and difficult conversations is similar to the difference between canoeing on open water and rushing rapids. Both entail paddling with balance, but the stakes and abilities required in white water are significantly higher. Consider a lousy dispute you had with someone or a fight with a family member. High-stakes interactions can become unproductive and even explosive due to intense emotions, personal blind spots, and incorrect assumptions. Your boat capsizes, your stuff gets wet, and you wash up on a riverbank someplace downstream.
If you have a choice about where and when to speak, attempt to create favorable initial conditions: time, venue, and who is present. Consider how you build a foundation of inquiry and concern before the conversation begins. This can establish an immediate sense of accord and mutual regard.
How to Handle Tough Conversations
Take note of the conversation’s tempo. Things move quickly in heated debate; much of the job is about slowing down. The more ways you can pause and deactivate, the easier it will be to stay focused, communicate effectively, and respond thoughtfully. Taking time to think before reacting naturally slows down the speed of a conversation.
The more ways you can automatically pause and deactivate, the easier it will be to stay focused, listen to each other, and respond thoughtfully.
Try hard to comprehend. This will show up in your body language, tone of voice, and other nonverbal communication that encourages an atmosphere of goodwill and collaboration. When necessary, make your objective clear by explicitly stating it. For instance, you could say, “I’d like to understand where you’re coming from and your side of the situation,” or “I’m committed to figuring this out in a way that works for all of us.” Such statements can completely change the tone of a conversation. Also, please ensure there are no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors.
Focus on what is essential, and keep your focus flexible. Instead of requesting the story of “what happened,” listen to what is necessary for both of you. If you’re hearing demands, inwardly transform them into requests and reply in a way that honors the other person’s needs.
Consider breaking the situation into many conversations on separate days if the problem is complex. Your initial pass can focus on empathy, listening to, and hearing the other person. Next time, share your viewpoint and attempt to establish mutual understanding.
Be Thoughtful About Communication
Mindful speaking isn’t only a humane choice—mindful speech makes for more successful communication. Furthermore, these standards are applicable online, where anonymity and impulsivity can bring out the worst in people. It may not be easy to practice mindful speech. Still, the benefits of effective and positive communication that do less harm to everyone are well worth it. While mindfulness cannot prevent every interpersonal blunder or heal every political schism, we may adhere to a few guidelines for more mindful speaking, both online and offline.
THINK: Mindful Speech Techniques
Mindfulness and wisdom frequently advise us to consider whether what we are about to say is accurate, compassionate, gentle, and timely. Thinking before you speak is a common mnemonic trick, with some variants to incorporate more mindfulness and compassion.
Is this true?
Is it beneficial?
Is it my turn to say it?
What are the intentions and consequences?
Is it still necessary?
Is it nice?
Is this true?
We want to tell the truth first and foremost. We avoid injuring others and are less prone to becoming entangled in a web of lies, mistruths, and the cognitive dissonance and guilt accompanying them. Saying what is true is more than just the inverse of lying. More subtly, we wish to convey vital facts to help and inspire others. Saying what is true is more than just the inverse of deceit. It emphasizes the significance of speaking our truth to power, which may be revolutionary and uplifting.
Is it Useful?
Before we talk, we can consider whether it will benefit anyone, including ourselves. Gossip about others may be factual, but it is rarely beneficial and frequently detrimental. Even bragging may be truthful, but if it helps, it only helps us and is more likely to annoy and alienate others. The same is true when we provide feedback to individuals around us: the words we choose may be truthful, but they may not be accommodating.
Is it My Turn to Say it?
Some statements may be genuine and beneficial, but it may not be our place to give them a voice. Wise thought enables us to recognize that, as difficult as it may be, it is our responsibility to speak up. Still, understanding if we are being lured or manipulated into a pointless computer battle or dinner-table dispute can be difficult, which is where these additional “I” criteria might help: What is my aim, and what was my impact?
Is it Necessary, and is the Time Right Now?
Even when other standards are followed, we may need clarification on whether what we wish to communicate is necessary. We might use the WAIT acronym and ask ourselves, “Why Am I Talking?”
The most conscious speaking is sometimes no speech, some restraint of the keyboard and mouth, or simply listening. We also make space for new thoughts and ideas in our silences and pauses in discussion.
Is it Nice?
Finally, feedback will be more effectively received if it is provided patiently and compassionately. When someone feels attacked, their fight-or-flight response precedes their ability to absorb new information. Another component of kindness to examine is whether our chat will be pleasant or sour. I’ve discovered that it’s often simpler for myself and others to default to negativity than positivity, especially when trying to connect.
A Simple Self-Compassion Gesture for Difficult Conversations
Consider a recent uncomfortable conversation in which you may have acted unprofessionally. Imagine it vividly until your body and mind are agitated to some degree.
Bring your hands to your heart on a slow in-breath. Join your hands loosely or gently put your palms across your cheeks—however you like, place your hands in a gesture of warmth and care.
Feel the warmth of your hands on a slow out-breath, and note the effect this gesture has on your experience of this moment. This is an example of self-compassion.
Return frequently, especially to soothe the agony of tough conversations.
Use These Mindfulness-Guided Practices to Reduce Holiday Stress
Whether rushing to finish last-minute holiday errands or taking it easy this season, pausing for some concentrated meditation and self-care can help you engage in kindness for yourself and others more successfully. These guided meditations provide moments for rest and mindful advice that you may use to help strengthen connections, reduce overwhelm, or get through if this is a difficult time of year for you. May these practices help you find a sense of lightness, resilience, and joy that you may return to long after the new year has passed.